I use to think I was crazy for falling in love the way I did. In my mind I fell in love because I meant what I said and felt what I meant and no matter how many times it happened, I always hoped for the best. As I matured the love experience intensified as well did the pain when it ended.
I didn’t realize that most times I was in love with being in love except for that one that broke my heart that’s when I learned about being in love officially! I was head over heels for him and for all intent and purposes he wasn’t a bad guy but when he got mad, annoyed or felt disrespected he would always be extreme in how he felt he needed to hand out his emotional punishments and that bothered me, a lot.
I could forgive and forget but he would DRAG everything out! It added this negative energy to the relationship that I didn’t care for and it took me a while to leave him because I was in love one hundred and ten percent; he had the ability to light up my heart, mind and body at the same time and I’ve never had all three at the same time, before it was so beautiful especially when things were GOOD between us.
Naturally, I didn’t want to lose that nor would I trade those moments for anything in the world they have magnified my love as a woman.
Towards the end, I was always found myself coming to the table hat in hand just to save the relationship in the name of love and I know many have done this before or something similar but most won’t discuss it. They’re embarrassed by it or don’t want to be seen as weak but for me it was a very humbling and growing experience.
In nursing my aching heart I also saw how it affected my friends, family and loved ones (I never thought it did) see those who love you will worry (or still worry for and about you when it comes to love) as this kind of tremulous love can be just as beautiful as it can be detrimental to a person, overall. Love can either raise you up or knock you down but one has to decide for themselves when enough is enough.
As a smart woman i had to do a thorough self-assessment of whom I was becoming and did I want to live with her? She was different and I thought maybe a change wouldn’t hurt but it truly did because I was losing my integrity and NEVER is that ok to do in a relationship because both individuals have value and it should be appreciated.
After a long hard look at myself I remembered my worth as a woman, the content of my character and most importantly what I bring to the table as a partner. I don’t regret it sometimes we as individuals are selected by a higher power to serve as an example for others on how to overcome tragedy and painful times even a broken heart!
Honestly, the love is still there as a memory because it was real but the experience in trust and time I invested in loving the man that I expected to protect my heart, keep it safe and make me feel special was eye-opening. Soon, I became emotionally afraid of him and that’s when I knew a decision had to be made either endure the negative behavior in hopes for the best although in reality it was more like holding on to a glimmer of hope or walk away?
I pondered this for months but I decided to walk away.
I refused to allow myself to be further subjected to less than exceptional treatment just because he didn’t know how to act and failed to check his emotional baggage before he got on the flight of love with me. I accepted that it was no longer my problem or my fault.
I also understood that It was not my responsibility to make what happened to him BEFORE ME better, it was not my job to prove my worth or love on a regular basis. That’s not love! I was genuinely in love and consistent in my ways but it remained in question and why keep begging to be loved equally by your partner? Those type if feelings should be mutual, naturally flowing and never treated as a reward for “good behavior”
I know my value no one will ever make me doubt that, again. Ever!